The Pages Of My Life

My Little Charley

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:18:12 GMT

He was such a happy little bird all the time. Didn't matter who you were, he chirped at you just the same. Stick your hand near the cage, he barked at you. But if you asked him to come out nicely, he would. He loved people, talking. We'd eat dinner and he'd chirp his little head off. He would greet my mom every morning with a happy little peep and a ring of his stupid brass bell.

He was only 2 years old. I never saw another blue parakeet with as much blue to white ratio as he had. It only took me 3-4 days go get him to learn "up," and just this past week he really started talking. He was worse than Skyy... he kept looking at me as I held him in his little blanket on my lap. It was so sad... he kept making little baby peeps... And when he ceased for the last time... I felt part of me go with him.

He was all I had for a while. After my failure of an engagement w. Jason, the nothingness between then and now was filled by Charley. He was here when I came home: he needed me to take care of him. His food, his toys, everything. My mom fell in love with him too. But now I have an empty cage... and a empty heart. God, for some reason, saw it fit to take my baby away from me. Why... why did my little birdbird have to die? And why did I have to watch him? That was the worst part of it all. I had to watch my active little keet turn into a sickly featherball.

Charley's gone. And I can't stop crying.

Now I feel that LiveJournal has served it's purpose. I won't deleted it, but no longer will I post to it.

A Long-Overdue Update

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:28:46 GMT

WoW has completely bored me out at this point. I played maybe an hour yesterday. Checked crap, purchased crap.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3683270/. We are so destroying the markets. The bottom is gonna fall out like it did in 1929... and we are gonna have a big mess. So be careful what you do now.

I've found most of the Ace of Base songs I once listened to religiously. They is on my iPod and they is happy and I is happy. Getting the album artwork was another question... lol. I think 40% of my library doesn't have album artwork. Well, whatever to Apple and their sad iTunes. BTW, iTunes 8.0.1 is teh AWESOME! Genius list is an awesome function! I hit 1500 mp3 files Friday when I downloaded Ace of Base: The Bridge and The Sign. KCi and JoJo "Crazy" was number 1501.

Ok I'm out. L8r t8rz.

Untitled - 6/18/08

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:38:14 GMT

You'll find me sitting
next to the pool of thought,
where imagination and insanity
meet and collect into dreams;
Come share with me the sound
of all sweet nothings come true,
and see that your deepest wishes
could possibly come true too;
Find that your inhibitions
are the fuel for your wildest dreams,
come find me here, pause to breathe
and I will set your soul free;
Let the pure mist cleanse
open your mind to the aura of calm,
from the blue streams of wisdom
the the moonbeam symphonies.

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:25:44 GMT

I knew from the last time I spoke with you
that no more would your name grace my lips.
Never again would I hold you,
never would my eyes gaze upon your face.

So I began to let go, I looked beyond you
and as I found them, my memories of you I destroyed.
A receipt from Christmas shopping, our one and only date,
all these tangible things I removed.

I saved the one gift you gave, and the locket that holds your picture.
I deleted all your photos, even the intimate ones.
So now I must face the facts and truth,
your feelings for me have faded to nothing.

I tried to be what I thought you wanted,
I wanted to be with you more than you could know.
But now time has healed my woulds, stop my tears;
I've done it, I have let you go.

Wed, 14 May 2008 17:02:14 GMT

holy shit! i had 170-something hugs the other day. I look today and I have 211?! jeesus! thanks, but don't go overboard! =)

one last final to go, then i am done for the semester! w00t. no summer classes for a change. I'm gonna work, rest, be artistic, and hang with friends.

Mon, 12 May 2008 07:32:06 GMT

Yea, its 330am and I am still awake. No surprise there. My mind is racing over memories, thoughts, what-ifs and hows. Everything from my new job, school, my future job, my future apartment, etc. I just keep watching movies to try to forget about it for a little while. I wanna watch Annie but I can't find it! Argh.

Finals this week. I'm nervous. Eek... I'll be meditating for a while tonight.

Wed, 07 May 2008 23:45:32 GMT

i received another hug! i wonder who keep hugging me? *sigh* its more fun this way ;)

Thu, 01 May 2008 07:03:54 GMT

I noticed another hug today. It made me smile, thank you. =)

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:33:42 GMT

I havent written herein a while. I havent really had much to say. Not much has been happening. I got the job at Motherhood, school is ending (slowly), and I'm exausted. Sorry not much of an update.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 02:06:08 GMT

i got another hug! ty =)

My hands are deep fushia and blue... from tie dye! LOL, they came out AWESOME!!! I did 3 t-shirts (me, my sis, and my mom) 2 pillowcases, and a pair of undies. they are hilarious!! omfg. I will take pics of the t-shirts and the pillowcases... but not the underthings. If you really wanna see them, ask. ROFL! Presentation for the tie dye is on Monday, and this is the last week for fresh pottery in ceramics... I need 5 more bowls and 5 cylanders, cylinders? w/e on the spelling... I'm an art major not English.

I did all the new-hire paper work @ Motherhood tonight. W00t! I start training next week. W00t^2! I will still be filling for a few days at my dad's office so they can get the taxes in on time. (I need to file my State taxes still... oops.) This weekend I will be chillin' working on my play poster for Graphic Design II class. Can't wait till the semester's over... ugh. I have a summer to look forward to. Working @ Motherhood... and no classes I think. If Oswego and OCC cooperate, I'll get 8 more credits to graduate faster. =)

I will post pics of my tie dye fun on Facebook later. I got to take a shot of my hands lol!

L8r ;)

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 07:20:20 GMT

ive gone and totally confused myself, lol. i have dug myself such a hole in life that now i am looking at the mess i've made and laughing. who the hell would want someone like me? i dont know what i am doing... and for some reason i am not terribly worried. is that a bad thing? well, i've been investigating my beliefs a bit more, and now i am understanding who i am as a person... and that was the cheesiest line ever. LOL

saturday will be laundry, homework/studying, and WoW tomorrow night. believe me i wish i had other plans. =P

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 04:32:20 GMT

btw, ty for teh hug

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 04:31:39 GMT

i find it so hard not to care. b/c i do... and its only gonna cause me heartache. *sigh*

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:21:02 GMT

this illness has wiped me of all energy. i want to cry.

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:44:31 GMT

*ty for teh hugz*

gettin' ready for class til 930pm tonight. I'll be on my laptop until 330 if you wanna chat with me :)

*hugs*

since when do i use a subject?! rotflcopter

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 16:22:43 GMT

The new Disturbed song, "Perfect Insanity," is a really awesome song. However, I’ve had the song on my machine for the past 2 years. November 2006 is the date I got the file, lol! Its not as good quality, but its the same song! I LOL’d when I heard it.
So today consists of making 3 tie blankets and making my mom’s birthday cake for dessert tomorrow. Chocolate cake and frosting with Heath bar pieces in it. Mmmm! I’ll be home all day, WoW time later. I finally joined Wombat Wevolution last night. I think I’ll be happy there.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:03:30 GMT

so i've had plenty of time to think, and i am choosing my steps carefully; burning bridges is something i am not accustomed to doing. when you're ready, i'll be here... if that day should ever come. *sigh*

so, i have someone who likes me, and i am enjoying it now. he's sweet, and he's alot like me. so thats it. :P

so i'm watching my nails fracture, my hair fall out in more numbers than normal, and my appetite has gone down to nothing almost. sleep is getting better at least. last night i was asleep by 3am! *big grin*

ok stuff to do. l8r.

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 01:56:23 GMT

*gasp* i got a hug! who did dat?

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 06:15:17 GMT

i give.

i h8 love...

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 05:25:49 GMT

i don't get it. i just don't get it. have i done something... actually i know the answer to that question so its a dumb one to ask myself. but i don't get what i did wrong in my life to get such fucking confusion. i feel so lost. confused. helpless. feelings are just kinda... fucked up and i dont get why. it keeps me from sleeping sometimes. plus the cold shoulder shit... add that to the blocking and the silence and the bird. everyday that bird reminds me... so does the blanket. so does this and so does that... oye. i wouldnt know what to do with normalcy if it smacked me square in the forehead.

so this past two weeks have been the most intense i have had in a while. i've cried a lot, i've thought alot, i've slept little, lost between 6-15lbs., logged about 5-10 hours in WoW (yea I'm serious), and realized i suck. lol.

I got an A- on my first Graphic Design II project, a 100 on my first Art History test, and a 71 on my History test. The median was 75! That guy sucks lol. So I've been putzing around trying to clear my mind of butterflies n shit. but to no avail, and they don't give a hoot, or they do and they dont show it well. i dont know what to believe. it just hurts alot.

its hard to control the ones you fall in love with. *kick*

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:04:53 GMT

I could cry. I could sit here on my bed for hours and just sleep and cry. I don't feel like eating, playing WoW, listening to music, anything. This whole 'life' thing totally sucks. I don't want it anymore, but I have no choice. So I want to spend it in this bed sleeping.

Day in and day out, my head is pounding and my stomach bothers me. I'm constantly reminded of my failures and things I do not have, and ironically the things I can never have. What burns the most is the things that are just on the edge of my grasp, where if my arm stretched just an inch more I could be happier.

Blah, all this crap isn't worth typing down. Its all aloof and fantasy. Whatever.

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 16:16:56 GMT

now i have nothing to lose. i've hurt someone i care about very deeply, so i'm pulling out all the stops for them to forgive me. i meditated last night for hope that words of what to say would come to me, but at this point i just think my being there will be enough of an effect.

and for the love of something sacred, if another state trooper/police offcer/county sheriff pulls me over for my license plate bulbs, i will throw my umbrella at them! (no srsly) lol.

busy day awaits... ooh such butterflies!

cuidado con mi corazon

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 07:41:49 GMT

i just lay here, sick and in utter discomfort. i cry because i want comfort from someone who isn't near me, and can't be. nausea sweeps over me every 10 mins, and i wish i could have someone to hold me and just talk to me. but no, i am alone. it sux.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 15:39:23 GMT

im sick of sleepless nights. of lonely mornings. of painful days.

8 hours of sleep would be nice.

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 07:23:03 GMT

now i understand the real feeling of 'bittersweet.'

*sigh* i just meditate... hoping... just being me. :)